Louder Than Words Page 7

  ‘You’re wrong – someone will,’ he said. ‘And it’ll be someone special. You’re lucky – the losers will leave you alone. You won’t have to waste time with them, or with people who don’t want you for who you really are.’ He crossed over and stroked my hair. ‘Don’t regret the lack of quantity, Rafi. Don’t ever do that because quantity means nothing. Quality is everything.’

  Unaccountably I wanted to cry, in case he was right and there was hope. But no, Silas was a glass-half-full person and I just wasn’t.

  He went back to his computer, opened another screen and typed more nonsense.

  Were all boys like him really? In the darkness after midnight, would they spill the secrets of their soul into the right ear? And would those secrets be beautiful?

  I thought of Toby and snorted. No, it couldn’t be that way with all boys. Not the ones who’d rather burp in your ear and fart on you than reveal a gossamer-thin thread of sensitivity, even if they actually possessed one. I was having a very hard time believing Toby and Lloyd had those threads at all.

  I wanted to ask Silas because he might know. Maybe it was a boy secret after all and not to be revealed to girls. But even if I could have spoken, I didn’t think I could have articulated the question – it was too much of a tangle of confused ideas and feelings in my head.

  As a fourteen-year-old girl, finding a way to ask one of the great mysteries of life, like whether boys who think girls are just sex objects have feelings too, is completely impossible. I would’ve had to sit down and draft that question several times before I got it to make anything approaching sense.

  Silas glanced over at me and then opened up an internet browser. ‘I want to show you something, Rafi.’

  I sat up and shuffled to the end of the bed. I didn’t recognise the website he was on. He opened up what looked like a very long series of conversations, some of them with links to pictures.

  ‘Read this.’

  I scanned down the page and he scrolled as I read. After only a few posts, I wanted to turn away, uncomfortable at how these boys spoke to the girls.

  ‘Read it,’ said Silas.

  I continued. They were trying to get the girls to post pictures, just like the kind Lloyd had taken of Josie. If they didn’t post them, they’d be shunned and nobody on the site would want to speak to them. Some girls had obviously just left and not come back. Others did post, and then there were comments after discussing how they looked, some complimentary, some anything but. One of the girls got upset and they all laughed at her.

  ‘Read enough now?’ Silas asked.

  Nod.

  ‘Good. Remember that. And don’t ever, ever let a boy treat you like that. If they try, you tell them where to go. Like Rachel – she takes no disrespect from any boy. You don’t have to do stuff like that. No girl does. A boy who really likes you, he’ll do whatever you want. A boy who tries to get you to do this stuff, he’s got nothing you want. OK?’

  Nod.

  Silas nodded back, satisfied. ‘Anyway, what’s up? Can’t sleep?’

  Nod.

  ‘You want to watch me kill stuff on here for a while?’

  I thought about it. Probably wasn’t the thing most guaranteed to send me off to sleep but I’d never watched him gaming before and I was quite fascinated to see him in action. This was a side of Silas I didn’t know first-hand.

  Nod.

  He grinned. ‘Tuck yourself up then.’ He tilted the screen so I could see from my prone position on the bed and then he logged on to some war game and started.

  And I learned that the look on his face when he made a kill was deadly.

  CHAPTER 13

  It was in morning break the next day, when I was thinking over what Silas said, that I remembered the girl in the gallery. Lara.

  She wouldn’t take that kind of thing from any guy, of that I was sure. She made me think of a quote Josie had posted on her page: ‘I’m not a princess to need saving, I’m a queen and I’ve got this stuff handled.’

  Yes, that was Lara. She walked out of that gallery like a queen leaving her subjects.

  Even now I was wondering who she was, where she was from. Did Silas think about her? I was guessing yes.

  I looked around me at the other girls milling about in the canteen. Not one of them seemed to have that air of completely self-contained assurance that she did. You could tell they worried if they were too fat or not pretty enough or too smart or their boobs were too small. Lara looked as if she’d never had such a thought in her life. On reflection, maybe she was the one who’d got it right.

  It was as I looked around that it hit me just how much of a weirdo I was. I spent all day in this school alone, except for when I saw my brother, who hadn’t appeared yet with his friends. All day I spent in silence, holed up in the solitariness of me. I hadn’t wanted this, but it was a trap I’d sprung all by myself. The thing was, I didn’t know how to get out of it now. Imagine if I came into school the next day suddenly speaking. Nobody, absolutely nobody, would shut up about it – it’d be all round the place in minutes. Hey, Silas’s freak sister SPOKE!

  The thought of that much attention made me want to curl up in a corner and die to escape notice. It was inescapable.

  So this was my day . . . arrive here at school, sit in form room, go to lesson, sit through break, next lesson, then another, then lunch. Then more lessons. On and on. Day after day, without a word to anyone. Year after year. And no way out.

  I was in tears at the back of the sports hall when Silas found me. One of his friends had seen me run out and had gone to get him.

  ‘What’s up?’

  Everything.

  ‘Was someone mean to you?’

  No, nobody was anything to me. They never are.

  ‘Rafi, you’re worrying me. What’s wrong?’

  I want to know how to be normal. I can’t be. I can’t speak, I just can’t. But I want to know how it’s possible to get back even if I can’t do it. I shook my head. It was nothing he could do anything about. He tried to give me a hug, but I shoved him away, ignoring the wounded look on his face.

  Then his face hardened and he snatched my bag off me and took my phone. I slapped out at him to try to get it back, but he held me off easily with one hand while he quickly texted with the other.

  I wanted to scream at him . . . wanted it so badly . . . but . . . but . . . NOTHING came out. I kicked out at him in temper instead.

  He handed me the phone back and I saw what he’d done.

  It was a text to Josie.

  I stared at him, open-mouthed.

  ‘If you won’t tell me, tell her,’ he said.

  CHAPTER 14

  ‘Everyone needs someone, Rafi,’ were Josie’s first words to me when she came into my bedroom.

  I shrugged. It wasn’t true for me. I didn’t need anyone. Even Silas. If I did, I wouldn’t have shut them all out. Except, said a small voice in my head that sounded like my own the last time I heard it, it wasn’t about shutting people out. That wasn’t why I stopped speaking.

  So many warped reasons in my head now that I used to justify why I didn’t start talking. None of them bore any resemblance to why that little four-year-old me began to clam up.

  I’d started writing the story when Josie asked me to. It wasn’t very good or even very story-like at all. I wanted it to be something really good, strongly crafted, something read to be appreciated. But as usual I failed.

  Josie spent a while trying to dig out of me what was wrong and, when that didn’t work, she went in search of Silas, who presumably had let her in in the first place. They came back together.

  ‘We’re going to the library,’ Silas announced, curtly I thought. ‘I need to get a set of study notes for an essay I’m doing, Josie needs to get some stuff for her project and you can come with us instead of moping around here.’

  I shook my head. I didn’t want t
o go anywhere.

  ‘Fine,’ said Silas, and then in an act of utter betrayal, ‘I’m telling Mum.’

  I got my coat.

  It was raining and we had to dodge puddles, huddled under umbrellas. The windows of the library were steamed up in a way that made the child in you want to draw pictures on them. Silas and Josie headed off in different directions to find what they needed. I wandered around the fiction shelves, collecting possibles to take out on loan.

  I sat down with the books at a table near Silas, who was now scanning through his pile of books.

  My phone blooped and when I checked it, it was my Twitter Feed. I sighed. I hadn’t even wanted Twitter, but Silas and Josie had insisted on setting it up.

  Silas Ramsey @silram99

  @hottobyd In the library with @rafiram10 and @josiejjackson doing work stuff

  A few moments later, another Tweet appeared.

  Tobias the Man @hottobyd

  @silram99 @rafiram10 @josiejjackson Coming over now! Need to sort stuff for the weekend. You know Josie?

  Over at his table, Silas groaned. ‘I’ve got work, dumb-ass,’ he muttered. But he put his phone away and didn’t send a message back.

  Josie came over and sat with me, shuffling books across the table until she got them into some kind of order. I glanced at them – history books. She got her pad out of her bag and began writing down the titles and authors. Across from us, Silas had buried his head in his books again.

  ‘We lose marks if we just use Wikipedia,’ Josie muttered. ‘It’s not fair. Our history teacher is always going on about a range of sources. Well, you can get a range off the internet, can’t you?’ She sniffed. ‘Anyway, Dad says they’re going to close this library soon. What are we supposed to do then? They’ll have to let us use the net.’

  I shrugged. I couldn’t see the problem.

  ‘You don’t get wet online!’ Josie said, shivering as a drip ran off her hair and down her neck. I grinned and shook my head, going back to my book.

  The next time I looked up, it was to find Josie with her mouth open and my brother looking as if he’d just been shot in the stomach. Toby was walking across the library towards us, waving like the idiot he was, followed by . . . the girl from the exhibition.

  The rain had made rats’ tails of her black hair and her thin cotton parka was soaked through. But she still walked like she was treading on diamond dust while everyone else walked on coal.

  ‘Hey,’ said Toby, grinning and sitting down in front of Silas.

  Silas tore his eyes away from Lara. ‘Yeah,’ he said dazedly.

  Lara sat down next to Toby. There wasn’t a flicker of recognition in her eyes.

  ‘Woah,’ Josie whispered in my ear. ‘No way – is he going out with her?’

  ‘This is Lara,’ Toby said.

  ‘Hi,’ Silas said, his eyes already back on her like they were fixed with glue. ‘We’ve met.’

  She screwed her face up in confusion. If I did that, I would have looked like a pig or something. She still looked beautiful. ‘Have we?’

  ‘The art gallery . . . you probably don’t remember . . . the exhibition . . . I saw you there . . .’

  ‘Oh yeah. I remember you. The boy who didn’t like anything.’

  ‘Er, yeah, well, I guess I was in a mood with my mother and wasn’t prepared to appreciate anything that day.’

  Toby snorted. ‘Si, I did not come here to talk about your mother. What are you up to this weekend?’

  ‘No plans yet, why?’

  He grinned. ‘Jake’s parents are away – last-minute break. He’s got the place to himself. Party!’

  Silas nodded. ‘Could do.’

  Toby looked around and nodded at Josie. ‘Bring her if you want.’

  ‘She’s my sister’s friend,’ Silas replied, a little too quickly.

  Toby shrugged, missing the point completely. Doh, Toby! ‘Bring her as well then.’

  ‘So are you into art?’ Silas asked Lara.

  Beside me, Josie raised an eyebrow. She was right: this was dangerous territory. If Lara was with Toby, then Silas shouldn’t be showing an interest. It could have been an innocent question, but we could see the look in his eyes and it wasn’t.

  ‘I liked your mum’s stuff,’ Lara said. ‘You might not, but I thought her work was pretty amazing.’

  ‘I’m too used to it,’ Silas said. ‘Do you go to lots of exhibitions?’

  She laughed. ‘Busted! No, it was a one-off. I was bored that day. I like to do new things when I’m bored.’

  Why had Toby brought her here? To show off to my brother?

  She got up. ‘Toby, I’m soaked through. I need to go home and get changed. No, it’s OK – stay with your friends. The bus station is only round the corner. I’ll see you at the party.’

  I wasn’t sure whether she said that last part to Toby or Silas or both.

  She gave them a little wave as she went out of the door and disappeared into the rain again.

  Silas sat back in his chair and looked at Toby. ‘You kept her quiet,’ he said.

  Toby sniggered. ‘Hot, isn’t she? Like, on fire!’

  Silas just stared at him.

  ‘Yeah, well, I just met her so, you know, not running my mouth off to the lads about her and . . . you know . . .’

  Next to me, Josie made a derisive noise. ‘They’re so not going out,’ she said.

  CHAPTER 15

  ‘So, you want to come to this party?’ Silas asked Josie. ‘Or are you going to hibernate for life after Lloyd?’

  ‘With Rafi?’

  ‘Yeah, why not? It’ll do her good to mix.’

  ‘She’ll never agree to it.’

  Excuse me, sitting right here on the sofa! I threw a cushion at them.

  Silas caught it and laughed. ‘Prove her wrong then,’ he said with a wink.

  ‘I dunno,’ Josie said. ‘There’ll be loads of people there who saw all that stuff about me . . .’

  ‘All the more reason to get back out there! And honestly it’ll be pretty tame. Jake’s parents would go mental if he had some big rowdy thing going on and trashed the place. He wouldn’t dare, especially as he wants a car for his eighteenth. I wouldn’t let Rafi go if it was going to be messy. I’ll be surprised if anybody gets pissed enough to puke.’

  Josie laughed. ‘Oh, OK then. I guess you’re right.’

  And I was suddenly afflicted by my first ever party trauma . . . what was I going to wear?!

  For someone with practically a social phobia – let’s face it, lots of people think selective mutism is a kind of social phobia – the word party is bound to send them into a tailspin, which is pretty much where I was for the next few days. Josie managed to prise it out of me that I was freaking out over what to wear. So on Saturday she took me shopping and we bought new jeans and a top that was kind of cool and partyish but laid-back and not trying too hard all at once. Josie, I decided after a morning with her, was beyond awesome at shopping. She knew just where to look and just what to pick up to try on. She didn’t amble around shops aimlessly like I saw other girls doing. No, she was more like a guided missile. Zoom in, scope the area, lock on target!

  I enjoyed clothes shopping for the first time ever.

  But the party was another matter. The closer it got to the time to leave, the sicker I felt in my stomach. I went over to Josie’s and she put some make-up on me, just a little bit because she didn’t use much herself. ‘You don’t need it,’ she said, ‘you’ve got good skin. And what looks right on my skin tone won’t suit yours.’ So she lined my eyes and gave me a slick of mascara, and I put on some lip-coloured lipstick. It felt a bit weird, but not too unlike myself. I’d worn the odd bit before to experiment – my mum bought me a kit last year for Christmas, but I pretended I wasn’t interested. Actually, I just wasn’t sure how to put it on.

  We met Silas outside Josie’s. Jake’s house wasn’t far so it was easy to walk. ‘Good job,’ said Silas. ‘Mum’s working. I stuck my head round the s
tudio door to tell her I was going and she didn’t even hear me.’

  Josie laughed. ‘Oh and I bet you never get like that when you’re gaming?’

  ‘Ouch!’ Silas replied. ‘Direct hit!’

  ‘She’s creative,’ said Josie with a shrug. ‘Aren’t creative people often like that?’

  ‘Probably. But living with it can get annoying.’

  ‘You want to know annoying? My dad lines the tins up in the cupboard in straight lines. And they all have to be in exactly the right place. If you put beans with soup, he practically has a breakdown.’

  ‘OK,’ Silas said with a laugh. ‘I get what you’re saying. We’re just not very alike, that’s all.’

  ‘Maybe you’re more alike than you think. Both of you,’ she said, looking at me. ‘Oh, is this it?’

  We went into Jake’s house. I remembered coming round here to play when I was younger. Our mothers were vaguely friendly back then, though I think they’d drifted apart now as Mum never mentioned her these days. As Silas predicted, it wasn’t wild. Just some loud music and people I recognised from school milling about, lounging on the sofas, filling the kitchen. Jake waved to Silas and chucked him a can of beer from across the hall. Silas pointed at us and Jake nodded, beckoning us through the crowd.

  ‘This is Josie,’ Silas said over the racket when we got to Jake in the kitchen.

  ‘Hi, Josie,’ Jake said. ‘What do you want to drink?’ Then he did a double take. ‘That Josie?’

  Josie gritted her teeth and put her hands on her hips. ‘Yeah, that Josie. Have you got a problem with that?’

  Jake swallowed. He never was very good with angry girls. It was a standing joke that he was secretly scared stiff of Rachel. ‘Um, no, absolutely not! Just didn’t realise Silas knew you.’ He shot Silas a betrayed glance.

  ‘I’m a friend of Rafi’s.’

  ‘Oh, right.’ He finally noticed me. ‘What’s she having, Si?’

  Silas looked at me. ‘Diet Coke? Yeah, thanks, Jake.’